It seems like many of the tasks I do, don’t get done with one go. I often have to come back to verify that the upload happened, that the error was fixed, that customer service received and responded to my request. This week has been a similar practice. I attempted to upload to another platform with my print books, but it’s not doable. I’ve called and left two messages for someone I’m hoping can come see Holly and help with an issue. I’ve found errors on a platform, and I’m waiting to see if they’ll fix themselves (hey, it’s been known to happen!). And I applied for 3 jobs but have heard nothing back from those hiring.
My procrastination is sitting tall and claiming the above as reasons why I haven’t done much writing. A year ago, I wanted to finish all these admin tasks so my single intent would be writing fiction. I’ve reached that point… then grabbed hold of a few more admin things… finished those, and then created a tiny list of to-dos to move forward on other projects… all without spending time with my fiction. I know I’m not the only artist to play head games with myself.
I think, for some creatives, it’s a balance between honesty and self-confidence; making true art and disengaging from judgement. I’ve published 38 titles. This isn’t my first trip around the block. It’s not like I don’t know my process (even though it has changed a little over the years). It’s not writer’s block. It’s not burnout. I think it’s an intersection of reality and wishes. And maybe a little uncertainty in everything from moments in my daily life to global events.
But I have ideas on how to get the train moving again; invite the muse back for an extended stay. I have a small list of whys. They are important, I think, in anything we do. We’re the ones who bring meaning to stuff. If there’s no meaning, then it’s tough to convince the mind that it’s worth doing. I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with myself about this issue. Maybe it’s time to make a decision instead of trading an easy back and forth dialogue with my project and self-imposed deadline.